Growing up Sunset

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In many families, the parents are revered.  They are treated with honor, respect and some amount of fear (fear of not living up to their expectations).  But as a parent ages, their role tends to reverse  - YOU will be needed more and more to “parent” them - to help them achieve and lead happy meaningful lives.

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But you must lay the ground work for this years in advance.  This is not a chore or a task - this is part of enriching your own life.

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None of us had a perfect upbringing.  None of us had perfect parents.  Some of you may have been neglected.  But that is the past.  Do not allow the past to alter the good person and provider that you are.  To begin this process you must learn to forgive your parents.

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OVERVIEW

 

Step 1 - Begin Today - Keep communication open
    a. Minimum of one phone call a week, never skip.
        1. Share something pleasant from your week, avoid arguments or disagreements.
    b. If possible a short visit once every 3 weeks.
        1. Bring something to eat - a treat or a small gift (maybe an article of clothing) or maybe bring a photo to talk about.
    c. If possible one long visit, meal/tv per month.
        1. Bring a gift or help prepare the meal or do a chore around the house.
    d. During a “quiet” moment, ask “Is there anything on your mind or bothering you that I haven’t asked you about, or                we haven’t talked about?”
    e. You will be beginning the process of “redefining your relationship”.

 

Step 2 - Speak privately with your siblings and others deeply involved in your parent’s lives
    a. Attempt to work together for your parent’s benefit (this may be difficult in some families where there is sibling                      rivalry).  Address how we can make decisions that will satisfy everyone and meet the needs of our parent.
    b. Set realistic expectations for the future, set goals & benchmarks.
    c. Set ground rules:
        1. Always make decisions jointly.
        2. We will never try to “control” our parents but instead guide and provide for them.
        3. We will allow our parents to do, what they are capable of, for themselves.
        4. We understand we will not be perfect nor able to do everything.
        5. We recognize that someday we will have to make tough decisions
            a. So it is best to now know what planning our parents are doing 
                1. We should offer to be involved to whatever extent they want in this process.
    d. We’ll each do what we can, in coordination with each other, and keep each other informed.
    e. We will consider financial needs for future care and begin to address it now.     

 

Step 3 - In conversations with your parents you will;
    a. Share your personal concerns about daily life and challenges.
    b. Ask a probing personal question from time to time.

 

Step 4 - As they age and you notice that there is something they can no longer keep up with, that they used to take care of, make it your responsibility.

 

Step 5 - Listen to what they say, really listen, “hear them”.  Always be approachable - never make them feel like a burden or unimportant to you.  You cannot drop everything to be with them, but treat them as you would treat your boss at work.

 

Step 6 - Never, never think “badly” of them or speak to ANYONE about them in a negative manner.  This is the person that gave you life & raised you.  Even if they failed in some ways, you know better and must not follow that behavior or be affected by it.  Things they now do “wrong” are not funny, it is an “ailment” that comes with aging.

 

Step 7 - Make their lives “easier” but don’t marginalize them or treat them like children.  Assist them and give them a feeling of accomplishment.  Allow them to keep their dignity.  If done right, they will trust you and ask for your help instead of hiding their problems from you (this is good advice for dealing with your children as they go into puberty and teen years too).

 

Step 8 - Use the words “thank you” often.  Never bring up mistakes or problems of the past, unless they do.  And if they do, if they want to apologize or take responsibility - forgive them and let them know it now has NO bearing on the future.  Let them know that you are pleased that it is now done with.        

 

Step 9 - Look around their home as if “child-proofing”.  Look for potential dangers and at the same time arrange things for their physical convenience.

 

Step 10 - Respect the fact that all people want privacy - do not put their lives under a microscope.  Respect their need for privacy, but evaluate that need based on their mental state and ability to care for themselves.
                                                    
CHECKLIST

Observe 
___ 1. Is there something in their home that needs repair?
___ 2. Do they seem physically well?
___ 3. Are they following normal hygiene?
___     a. Washing
___     b. Hair Combing
___     c. Clean Clothes
___ 4, Are they keeping appointments - doctors, family occasions?
___ 5. Are they paying their bills?
___ 6. Is there sufficient foods?
___ 7. Are they keeping track of their medicines?
___ 8. Assess their abilities with compassionate honesty.
___ 9. Try to understand why they do the things they do - try to support positive needs

 

Listen
___ 1. Pay attention to what they are saying
___     a. Are they revealing a need that you can help with?
___     b. Are they experiencing mental distress,?  Can you help?
___     c. Are they not making sense or is their logic faulty?
___     d. How is their memory?

 

Act
___ 1. Never embarrass them - always be gentle and act with respect for all they did for you.
___ 2. Don’t point out their errors, find ways to help them - reprimanding them will serve no positive purpose - they are                 not children who need to learn, they are adults that are losing their faculties.
___     A. example -  If they are forgetting to take their pills, get them a pill organizer and prepare their medications for                   the week.
___     B. example - Move often used items to lower shelves, simplify their kitchen (and other) drawers (they may not                       need as many items anymore), if they have trouble turning things (like door knobs) put rubberized textures on                     them to make gripping easier).
___     C. example - Cut down on clutter.  But do this without upsetting them.  Don’t just do it, engage them or do it in                       stages so it doesn’t seem like you are taking over their lives.

 

Home
___ 1. Light bulbs working
___ 2. Appliances working
___ 3. Swept & vacuumed
___ 4. Table top and counters cleaned
___ 5. Is there clutter accumulating or hoarding of worthless items - magazines, junk mail, etc?
___ 6. Are there any repairs needed: broken window, painting, leaking faucet, etc?
___ 7. Is the room temperature appropriate?
___ 8. Casually check the refrigerator for spoiled foods, needed items or improperly stored foods.
___ 9. Check for odors that would indicate improper ventilation or spoiled items somewhere.
___ 10. From time to time wipe down counters, appliances (inside & out) with disinfectant.
___ 11. Make sure they have access to photos and memorabilia that they enjoy.

Safety 
___ 1. Look for “dangerous” objects that they may trip over.
___ 2. Are there working smoke alarms?  Look for fire dangers.
___ 3. Are there any outlets with too many plugs?
___ 4. Are any electric cords frayed or damaged ?
___ 5. Are extension cords being used improperly?
___ 6. Does the bathtub have non-slip strips? Can you make bathing safer & easier? Handles?
___ 7. Are candles ever being used or any open flames?
___ 8. Is the stove being used properly?
___ 9. Do door locks work and windows close securely?
___ 10. Get to know their care givers and who they associate with.

___ 11. Advise them not to open the door for strangers or unexpected utility workers.
___ 12. Advise them not to let anyone in to use their bathroom or their phone.
___ 13. Install a peep hole to allow them to see who is at the door without opening.
___ 14. Are they still driving and should they?

Finance
___ 1. Do you need to “regulate” their finances to keep them from accidental loss, theft or fraud?
___ 2. Are there senior benefits they can use - reduced transit card, discounts at stores?
___ 3. Do they need help with filing taxes?
___ 4. Speak to them about the common scams by con artists on the street or coming to the door.
___     a. Don’t authorize home repairs that were not expected.
___     b. Don’t loan money to people nor participate in a “get something for nothing” scheme.
___     c. Don’t get involved with strangers in lottery or investment deals.
___ 5. Research costs and options of long term care.

 

Hygiene
___ 1. Are they showering regularly?
___ 2. Are their clothes clean?
___ 3. Are their clothes appropriate to the season?
___ 4. Are their clothes torn, tattered or stained?
___ 5. Do they brush their teeth?
___ 6. Do they comb their hair?
___ 7. Is there evidence of insects or vermin in the house?
___ 8. (Father) cleanly shaven?
___ 9. Finger nails and toe nails trimmed?
___ 10. Do they need assistance with the laundry?

Health
___ 1. Do they have any complaints of pains?
___ 2. Do they move about properly?
___ 3. How does their skin look- signs of bruises, cuts or sores?
___ 4. How is their vision - are their eye glasses appropriate?
___ 5. Any rapid change in weight?
___ 6. Are they getting regular check-ups?  Do they need help getting to appointments?
___ 7. Are they able to pick up their medications at the pharmacy?
___ 8. Are they taking vitamins & eating & drinking enough?
___ 9. How is their hearing?
___ 10. Know their health professionals and their contact info, speak to them.
___ 11. Keep copies of their health records - results of exams & tests.
___ 12. Keep a record of their medications and check expiration dates & possible side effects.
___ 13. If possible go with them to doctor appointments, if you can’t, later talk to them or to the doctor to find out the                      results of the appointment.
___ 14. Are they cleaning their glasses daily?
___ 15. Are they eating a proper diet?  Do they need help in preparing meals?
___     A. Can you prepare meals for them & put in the freezer?
___     B. Can you help them purchase prepared foods?
___     C. Do they qualify for Meals on Wheels?
___ 16. Are their mobility needs addressed: proper fitting shoes, cane, walker or wheel chair?
___ 17. Can you take them for short walks or map interesting walks for them on their own?

 

Social
___ 1. Do they maintain contact with family? Do they need help staying in contact with them?
___ 2. Do they have contact with friends? Do they need help staying in contact with them?
___ 3. Is there a senior center that they could visit?
___ 4. Are they safe from predators who would take advantage of them?
___ 5. Inform them of programs & activities and see if they need assistance getting to events.
___ 6. Are their religious needs and routines being met?
___ 7. Old age doesn’t mean that education & learning stop.  They can benefit from learning new things - is there a                             program for them to attend, or “do it yourself” instruction material in print or tv?
___ 8. Would house plants, appropriate pets or hobbies make their life fuller?
___ 9. Help them with mailings by providing addressed envelopes and stamps.
___ 10. Maintain a phone list for them and update.
___ 11. Help them to exercise their right to vote - maybe sign them up for absentee ballots.
___ 12. Does your single parent wish to “date” - be proactive and supportive.

 

Family
___ 1. Can they get to family social events?
___ 2. Do they need your help buying gifts for various holidays & occasions?
___ 3. Keep them informed about family “news”.
___ 4. Encourage visits by other family members.
___ 5. Help them go to visit family regularly.

 

Entertainment
___ 1. Does their tv and radio work?
___ 2. Do they have reading material of interest to them?
___ 3. Can you take them with you for special events that you are attending?
___ 4. Do they need a large “print” simplified TV remote control?

 

A Special Note for YOU - Take care of yourself too.  Address your needs.  Take time for yourself - even just for fun or relaxation.  Do not ignore your life and your children, friends, home or job.  You can only do the best you can.  If you begin to feel abused or “set open” or “stuck” you need to breathe and take a break.  You will do what you can, but you cannot do everything. Just do what you can in an honest and compassionate way.

 

For Advanced Incapacity
___ 1. Secure a personal First Alert-type medical warning system.
___ 2. Research various care options: home attendant, adult community, hospice, senior housing, “board & care”
___ 3. Take over all their finances, but give them some money for incidentals.
___ 4. Provide for all their transportation needs.
___ 5. Make a daily phone call to them.
___ 6. What can be done to prevent Alzheimer’s or dementia?
___ 7. What must be done if Alzheimer’s or dementia has set in?
___ 8. Research how to afford care for parents.

 

This important personal first hand information is from a mature Sunset Park parent - 
“ I have informed my children of my wishes. I want to live in my own home as long as I am able. If I become senile and no longer recognize them or I become diaper dependent, I wish to go to a nursing home. I love my children too much to take years from their lives caring for me.  Each of us should call their parents daily to check on them and fill that loneliness they feel not having you near. Check on their medications to see that they are being taken properly. Check the refrigerator to see they are eating properly.  Give them a large calendar to mark doctor appointments and other important dates.  Make them feel that even though they are aging they still are an important part of your daily lives. I could go on and on but I am sure you will get many suggestions.. Mainly talk to your family and let them know your wishes.”

 

And for some of you -
 

1 Timothy 5:8 - If any does not provide for his own, and especially for his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

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